Overflowing Toilet

(I do not own this image, I found it here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/166562065/dont-touch-my-balls-white-baby-onesie)

                I am a woman who really enjoys poop jokes; I can’t explain it. Perhaps my taste for graceless jokes comes from my complete lack of it. Shocking as it may seem ESPECIALLY for those of you who know me very well, I have had some embarrassing moments in the restroom. I have been frightened into wetting my pants (and driven home with my coat tied around my waist to change), since having my daughter I often lose a bit of my bladder’s contents when I sneeze (not every time, enough with the suspicious stares), I can’t even count the times I have farted in a store just to have someone walk around the corner into the stink cloud moments later, and I have of course clogged my fair share of toilets. None of these incidents even come close to the horror that befell me in the fall of 2009, a permanent black mark in my past.

                I was spending the weekend at a new girlfriend’s house and was anxious to make a good impression. This chick was the judgmental type and the type to never let you ever live anything even remotely embarrassing down. For example, I was once playing Strip P’Diddle with her and a few other friends two years later. I am known not only for my frequent flatulence but also for my slow reflexes, an unfortunate trait in the game of P’Diddle. For those of you who have never played, it is a simple car game. Every time you see someone with a missing headlight or taillight or those ridiculously bright white headlights, you shout P’DIDDLE and touch the ceiling of the car. The last poor fool to carry this out has to remove an article of clothing. (I have been very exposed while playing P’Diddle.) So there I was, already topless and forced to remove my pants just as we rolled through the McDonald’s drive-thru. Sadly, the embarrassing part was that it was laundry day and I was wearing some monstrous granny panties. I never lived that one down; in fact, one of the girls I was with went out and bought me three thongs as a joke later on. (It was humiliating, but, hey, I will take the free undies!)

                Returning to my first weekend at Judgmental Girl’s house, as you may know, normal people don’t go an entire weekend without pooping and teenagers are really shy about their bowel movements. (Let me save you some trouble, young ones, no one gives a shit. Literally. Everyone drops a deuce now and again. Even if it is smelly, you aren’t really getting judged as much as you think you are. In fact, I judge you more for holding it. Honestly, are you a sadist or just dumb? POOP!) I swear, I held it as long as I could (by which I mean probably 18 hours after arriving. I know, right? JUST GO, FOOL!) We were outside lounging around the backyard and talking smack about everyone we knew when I could hold it no longer. Assuring her I would be right back, I bravely entered the house and headed for the only bathroom. Its location was…less than ideal. It was directly off the kitchen where her mom spent pretty much every waking moment. Lucky for me, she was not around at the time.

                As I flushed the toilet, I prayed, “Please don’t clog, please don’t clog, PLEASE, DON’T CLOG!!!!” Yeah, it clogged. I scoured the room for a plunger to no avail. Who in their right mind doesn’t keep a plunger in their house!? Especially if I am your house guest!? Hopelessly, I tried to flush again which turned out to be a MASSIVE mistake! The toilet began overflowing at top speed! I ripped the door to the bathroom closet open, pulling out every towel I could reach to clean up the toilet water that was cascading out of the toilet at probably a trizillion miles a second. I frantically searched the room for something to unclog the toilet with (other than my arm). As the towels became soaked through, I started throwing the dirty clothes from the hamper down to keep the floor dry. Finally, I grabbed a toilet brush, thrusting it into the toilet as hard as I could. The toilet brush did eventually unclog the toilet, but it was a little worse for wear after all that…and I was traumatized.

                I braced myself as I opened the door. I kept picturing Judgmental Girl and her whole Judgmental Family standing on the other side of the door waiting to greet me with disgusted stares. I stepped boldly out into the kitchen to find it was still empty. LORD, I TRULY AM BLESSED!!! I booked it back outside hoping she hadn’t noticed that I had been gone for a long time. She had. It turned out I had been inside for almost a full half an hour. Not knowing how to explain myself, I told her I had gone into her room and watched TV for a while, winning myself Best Friend of the Year for sure.

Wisdom Teeth

                When I was 17, my dentist took an x-ray of my mouth to see how my wisdom teeth were coming along. I don’t like the dentist much, and I especially didn’t like this dentist. (For two years I had told him I had a cavity in one of my molars and it wasn’t until I was 16 that he finally acknowledged it. By the time he decided to admit I was right and fill the thing, he had to essentially hollow my entire tooth out;  I have had problems with it ever since.) With several black marks against him already, he gained a small glean of approval when he brought in my x-rays and said, “Well, Sarah, it looks like you only have three wisdom teeth. I don’t think they’re going to give you any trouble.” When I returned to his office for a second x-ray, it was on my 18^th birthday. I was confident the universe wouldn’t begrudge me good luck the morning of my birthday. (I mean, heck, I was already getting to miss the first few hours of school!) I was dead wrong. When Dr. Doom hung up my new x-rays next to my old ones, he announced that not only did I have four wisdom teeth (not three), but they were all impacted and had to be surgically removed. (Thanks for being a dirty liar!)

                Several months later on the first day of my last ever spring break in high school, I sat in the back seat of my mom’s Honda Pilot at 6 in the morning on my way to have my mouth sliced open like an Easter ham. I was incredibly nervous. I had never had any kind of surgery before and my extreme anxiety had graciously painted vivid images of the evil dentists doing terrible things to me while I was doped up on anesthesia. I was also feeling pretty outraged that my mom and my dentist were teaming up to ruin my spring break. It wasn’t like I really had any friends to make plans with, but the option would have been nice! Besides, why ruin my free time when you could plan the surgery during school so I wouldn’t have to be there a few extra days? I kept thinking of that part in The Princess Diaries when Joe tells Mia, “Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; the brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.” I knew I was being a little dramatic, but hey, that’s me, and the quote (and the image of that silver fox, Hector Elizondo) was helping. I did have to do this. It was unavoidable as my mother repeatedly reminded me whenever she caught me trying to talk my way out of it.

                When I was called back to prepare for my (non-)life-threatening surgery, my mom and my aunt (who had come with us, possibly for emotional support but more likely to help force me into submission) were allowed to come with me. The nurse who came to take my weight, height, temperature, blah, blah, blah, and give me my IV was so sweet. She tried her very hardest to calm my nerves (alas, to no avail). Unfortunately for her (and everyone involved, frankly), I have a terrible, irrational phobia of having my blood drawn and getting IV’s. Every time she started to try to put my IV in, I started shaking so badly it almost looked like convulsions, tears free-flowed down my face, and I couldn’t stop my tiny (but shrill) squeaks of terror. (You might be wondering at this point if when I said 18, I meant 8. I assure you, I was 18 years old and acting this foolish.) Her poor, tender heart couldn’t take it. “You know what? I’m just going to let the anesthesiologist know he’ll be needed, and we’ll put the IV in after you go under, sweetheart,” she said, seeming close to tears herself. It gave me a surprising amount of comfort to know there was at least one person in my corner as I was wheeled off into the unknown.

                Having to get a good look at the surgical room was a mistake, though. The room was super white, like, transition –into-heaven-because-your-evil-dentists-killed-you white. There was a weird dome thing on the ceiling above where they placed me and my wheeling bed that turned out to be a huge cluster of lights, and although I was grateful they cared so much about things being well lit while they carved into my jaw bones, it was still terrifying to look at. There were four people surrounding me, the dentist who was handling the surgery, two assistants, and the anesthesiologist who turned out to be an astoundingly handsome man with extremely dark skin, smoky black eyes, and a thick New Zealand accent. I have a serious weak spot for accents and hot guys, and I found myself suddenly very self-conscious because weirdly enough I had not put any effort into my appearance that morning when I got up to leave for oral surgery and the nurse had taken my bra away. In my flustered moment of regret, he put a mask on my face, telling me to take three deep breaths then count backwards from ten. I reached seven then suddenly realized I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE! I JUST WANTED TO HIDE FROM MY PROBLEMS AND ALSO HIDE MY UNSUPPORTED CHEST FROM THIS HANDSOME MAN! I struggled to lift my arms and weakly tried to claw his enormous hands away from my face as I tried to scream, “I CHANGED MY MIND! STOP!” I don’t even think more than a slur of vowels actually made it out, and the two assistants held my arms down with no trouble at all before I blacked out.

                Suddenly, I was awake. My vision was fuzzy at best, the room around me spinning and changing shape. I remembered quickly the feeling of not wanting something to happen, launching my fuzzy brain into high panic mode immediately. I remembered my mom in the waiting room. “MAAAARRMMM!” I scream/slurred out trying to lurch myself into a sitting position. “MAAAAARRMMMM!” I screamed out again as I flailed my legs to the best of my ability, trying to remove the light blanket that was over me. A nurse came rushing towards me, and my panic hit an all-time high. Somewhere in the depths of my mind, a voice screamed out, “ALERT! ALERT! NURSE AT FIVE O’CLOCK! MOVE YOUR ASS! GET OUT OF HERE! MOM WILL SAVE YOU!” My real voice screamed out, “MAAAAAAAAAARRRRMMMMM,” as my arms flew up to try to fight the monster-nurse away. (Poor nurse.)

                She easily tucked my arms back into the blankets and repositioned it around my legs (I had barely made them move at all). “Calm down,” she said grumpily. “I can’t believe you’re awake already. Your mom is waiting for you, but you’re not ready to leave yet. You need to let the anesthesia wear off a little more. Just lie still. Try to take a nap.”

                I noticed her name-tag said, “Katherine,” on it. That made me really unreasonably excited. I warbled out, “Mai merddle naem is Catherine but wirth a C! Were like seesters!”

                “That’s great,” she harrumphed. “Settle down,” and she left the room.

                A few moments later, I sort of forgot about Nurse Katherine when I realized I was not alone in the room. In fact, there were two other people in beds to my right who were totally out cold and I freaked out again. My little alarm bell went off shrieking, “ALERT! ALERT! THE EVIL DENTISTS WANT TO HARVEST YOUR ORGANS! GET OUT NOW! I REPEAT: GET OUT NOW!” My real voice cried out, “NOOOOOOOOO! MAAAARRRRMMM!!!!!” I had regained a very small amount of control over my limbs, but enough to throw back maybe fifty percent of the blanket. I struggled to free my legs from the demon blanket/net screaming, “MAAAARM! HALP MEI!!!! MAAAAARRRM!!!!”

                Nurse Katherine came running in again, quickly wrapping me up in the blanket like a doped-up human burrito. (Possibly the evil dentist’s plan all along? Human burritos?) “Calm down,” she signed. “Why are you awake? Just relax! Take a nap; you’re going to have to stay here until the anesthesia wears off and it could take a while.”

                Again, I noticed her name tag. “Wahw,” I slurred. “Mei merddle naem is Catherine but with a C! We huve tha same naem,” and I gave her a big grin with my eyes only half open, longing for her to feel as excited as I was about this.

                “Yes, you said that before. It’s very cool,” she said (though her tone indicated she could not have cared less). “Please don’t try to get out of your bed anymore,” she shot over her shoulder as she left the room.

                I was very suspicious of her unfriendly manner. I had spent so much time before the surgery thinking of all the terrible things the evil dentists could possibly do to me, that it seemed to have manifested itself in my mind. The only thing I could focus on in my drug-induced stupor was escaping their evil laboratory and taking shelter with my mom (who I thought would unquestioningly drive me to safety). I waited a few moments to make sure Nurse Katherine (if that was even her real name!) had gone before I started trying to get out of bed again. I was still struggling to hold up my head, had very little strength or control of my limbs, and my vision was blurry and wobbly, but that wasn’t going to stop me, dammit. I would not be sold into slavery by evil dentists! I tried very hard to roll out of the bed, but (luckily) all I managed to do was get tangled in the blanket, setting me off into renewed cried of, “MAAAAAARRRMMM!!! HALP MEEEEE, MAAAAARRRMM!!!!”

                In Nurse Katherine came at a lazy speed, looking as though she would rather be anywhere else. She reluctantly (and not at all gently) untangled me from my blankets, muttering things I was too drugged up to make out. Again, I noticed her name tag. “Das cool! Yer naem is Katherine and so is my merddle naem! We should be bess frahns!”

                Nurse Katherine looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath before saying, “Yes. I know. You’ve told me,” before trudging out of the room again, not even bothering to try telling me to stay put.

                It seemed as though all of my troubles had been solved by my stubborn attempts to escape, because Nurse Katherine came in a few minutes later to find me with my legs hanging like wet noodles off of the side of the bed, desperately clawing at the blanket that was wrapped around my left arm and torso. After she took a second to compose herself, she began untangling me saying, “I’m going to take you to your mom.”

                “MAAAAARM,” I cried out in excitement, giving her my most winning grin. This went unappreciated by Nurse Katherine who unceremoniously flung my semi-lifeless legs back into the bed and wheeled me out of there as fast as she could, pushing me down the hall so quickly that my brain couldn’t even begin to process the blurry scenes we were passing. The new room was much nicer than the dim little dungeon I had just escaped. There were lots of windows and it was very bright, but perhaps the brightest thing in the room to me at the moment was the sight of my mom and aunt waiting for me. I tried to sit up and failed, so instead I sort of twisted my neck and shoulders in her direction exclaiming proudly, “Maaarm! I derd it! I ecscaped the evul derntersts!” I heard Nurse Katherine heave a great sigh and stomp out of the room (without even saying goodbye!).

                I was asked to stay in bed, but allowed to have my mom and aunt in the room. In spite of this generous gift, my doped up anxiety said it wasn’t enough; I needed to get out of there pronto! At any moment, the evil dentist’s rouse could be revealed and now my mom and aunt were at risk of being held for ransom too! I continued to tear at my blankets, my mom and aunt doing their best to calm me down. As my limbs began functioning more, it became quite a task to keep me in the bed, and the nurse monitoring the situation decided it would be best to allow us to leave. Again, I was in a room meant to hold more than one person (though we were the only people there at the time, possibly because of the chaos I was creating). The nurse pulled the curtains around my bed area to give me privacy to dress. Ever stubborn, I refused to let anyone help me. I have always been weirdly shy about my body; even now I often wait until my husband’s back is turned before I throw my clothes on as fast as I can. Alone behind the curtain, I struggled with my bra, shirt, and pants. I really was not in any condition to be doing anything without assistance, but was that going to stop me? HELL NO! I was a runaway train, never coming back, dammit!

                After several agonizing minutes (way more than it should have taken) and several concerned calls from my mom and aunt checking to make sure I hadn’t passed out, I emerged victorious and wobbly, tripping on my own foot and crashing to the floor. I was helped into a wheelchair while my mom went to pull the car around. Even though my aunt was there, I was crazy paranoid that by the time my mom returned, the evil dentists would have locked my aunt and me in a janitor’s closet, claiming we had left with someone else. When my mom returned and I was loaded into her backseat, I was so relieved that I flopped down across the seat and would not move at all to help her buckle me in.

                The following week was equally as blurry, but even more disappointing than I had imagined. In my youth, I was notorious for having a messy room. You’re probably thinking something like, “Haha, I’ve been there,” or, “I know exactly what you mean!” Let me assure you, you don’t. I existed in a grey area somewhere between being a hoarder and living in a trash pit as a teen. My mom loves to tell stories of finding petrified ramen and cereals buried in my closet when she would hunt for dirty dishes in my room. (I particularly recall one Christmas when my cousins wanted to go dirt-biking with my Dad and my bedroom was at an all-time low. They had gone to my room to borrow some clothes so I went to check that they had found something they could use. Through the crack of the door, I saw them standing in the tiny clear spot on the floor, surrounded by piles of crap up to their waists just staring in shock and horror at their surroundings before looking at each other in silent agreement that this was the worst thing they had ever seen.) I was really hoping to have some visitors while I was stuck in bed for my spring break; in an effort to make my dreams come true, I cleaned my room VERY thoroughly, dragging an old arm chair next to my bed, setting up my TV with a wide selection of DVDS, and placing a very large bowl of candy on my nightstand. Sadly, it was all in vain. Turns out no one wants to sit in a dark room with a semi-conscious person whose mouth is too swollen to speak even if you do have candy, but at least I did get to miss an extra three days of school. Take that, education!

P.S. They gave me the most incredible ice pack I have ever seen. It wrapped around my entire head so I didn't have to hold it.

(Example of ice pack I found on Google. Thanks, Google. I don't own this image though.)