Bandits of the Night

          At the end of October 2016 Lucy, Jude, and I moved from Virginia to a nicely done basement apartment in Burnaby, BC.  Thankfully the apartment was furnished because my parents could not drive our things out to us for another month. There were still a few basic things usually needed in every day family life that weren't in the apartment already and one of those things was a trash can. We also did not have access to an outdoor trash can until the night before trash day each week. We were living in the suburbs without a car and constantly dragging a stroller through the snow, so we weren't able to get trash cans until my mom came to visit with all of our stuff at the end of November. Not wanting our house to stink of garbage all the time, we piled small trash bags in a corner by our front door. It was our best available solution at the time, but came with a few problems: it always smelled really bad when you were trying to unlock the door, earth worms would always be piled up in our doorway, and it drew to us the bandits of the night (A.K.A. raccoons).

          As adorable as the two raccoons who frequented the buffet de Smith were, the trash strewn across our walkway each morning was less so. As much as I disliked cleaning up the trash, I was very fond of the raccoons. First I met Jerry, the outgoing ringleader, who came most often. I later learned of the second raccoon, who I dubbed Rodger, Jerry's life partner, but it is Jerry who I got to know the most.

          Every couple of nights, I would catch Jerry red-handed busting into my trash bags. I would shoo him away to a nearby bush he liked to hide in, stand in my doorway, and wait for his inevitable return. He would poke his little head around the corner, see me glaring at him, and give me a look of baffled innocence. He was so charming, that I started to feel guilty for trying to keep him away from his source of food. As a fellow lover of eating, I understood the pain of being kept away from your dinner. His big round eyes looked so sweet and hungry that I quickly caved. I didn't want Jerry trashing my stoop anymore, so I started leaving him scraps just beneath his bush when I saw him around. (I should add that I didn't tell Jude knowing he would disapprove.)

          One night, I saw Jerry outside poking around in the trash, opened the door to shoo him, and went back to grab him so food. I thought he must have run into his bush so I left the food there. When I came back around the corner, however, Jerry was half way down the steps going for the trash again.

         "Jerry!" I hissed in surprise. Jerry was surprised, too. He was so surprised in fact, that he took off straight through my open door and into my living room. Half of me panicked that Jude would hear our commotion and bust me for befriending "a wild animal" and half of me was running through a fantasy of Jerry becoming my pet. I started to go inside after Jerry to try to chase him out before Jude became aware of the situation as Jerry looked around bewildered, turning a few circles on my welcome mat before taking off past me up the stairs. I was semi-disappointed, but kind of relieved that Jude hadn't busted me for unintentionally letting a raccoon in the house.

          About a week later, we finally got an outdoor trash can. I started leaving more food out for Jerry and Rodger. It had just snowed and one night the bread I left out for them froze before they found it. Unfortunately for me, Jude did find it as he left for work the next morning. That night we had an interesting discussion.

Jude: Sarah, I found some bread outside by the bush this morning.

Me: What did you do with it?

Jude: It was frozen. Did you put it there?

Me: Maybe.

Jude: Are you feeding the raccoons?

Me: Their names are Jerry and Rodger, Jude.

Jude: Saraaaaaah! Why?

Me: I feel so guilty, Jude! They're so accustomed to getting their meals here, and now we're locking it all up in a can! They need to eat, too, you know!

Jude: Saraaaah! You're going to get us kicked out of our home if you keep doing this! Mr. Lou was just telling me they're having a problem with raccoons!

Me: We won't get kicked out! They're not even going into Lou's part of the yard! He'll never know!

Jude: Sarah! They're wild animals!

Me: That's racist! Or...species-ist! Raccoons need to eat just as much as we do. And they're so sweet!

Jude: No they're not! They could have rabies and Jerry ran right by me the other day. It scared the crap out of me! And they are plenty fat; they're getting plenty of food somewhere.

Me: They do not have rabies, Jude!

Jude: They could! How would you know?

Me: I saw a rabid raccoon up close when I was a kid! They are not rabid! And if they were, they'd come out in the day time, not the night time!

Jude: Saraaaah! You don't known what kinds of diseases they could have! Plus they could be vicious!

Me: They are not vicious. Jerry has excellent manners! He was such a gentleman when he got in the house!

Jude: WHEN HE WHAT?

Me: It's no big deal, Jude!

Jude: HE GOT IN THE HOUSE? WHEN??

Me: A couple of weeks ago!

Jude: Where was I!?

Me: In your office!

Jude: WHAT??

Me: I thought he went into the bush, so I followed him to give him some food, but when I came back he was on the steps and he ran inside.

Jude: What? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FEEDING THEM?

Me: It doesn't matter! He realized he was in our house and politely excused himself right away. I think he even said he was so sorry for intruding in raccoon language probably.

Jude: Saraaaaah! No more feeding the raccoons!

Me: They have names, Jude.

Jude: Fine! No more feeding Jerry and Rodger!

Me: Ugh! Fine!

Jude: Promise me!

Me: Fiiiiine, Jude!

Jude: Sat it! Say you promise you won't feed them anymore!

Me: You don't trust me?

Jude: SAY IT!

Me: I said fine!

          This is the point where I started pretending to be asleep to avoid saying I promised. I actually did stop feeding them because Jude did make a good point that we are renters and could get evicted, but it's really fun to leave him in suspense sometimes.

Update:

        It has been only two days since I wrote this, but things have taken an unexpected turn. Jerry and Rodger are on my donezo list. I got a package later than usual yesterday. Our mail is left on the front step of my landlord's house and we live in the back so we don't always know it's there. The package was a Christmas gift from my childhood friend, Alexus, containing a gift for my daughter, cookies, chocolate, and hot chocolate packets for Jude and me. THOSE ROTTEN NIGHT MONSTERS RIPPED INTO IT AND ATE MY COOKIES!!!!!!!!!! (They missed the chocolate though, so who's the real winner here, COONS?)