I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!

                Once upon a time during my sophomore year of high school, I dumped a girl. It ended quite badly with many tears and a lot of screaming. Through her, I had met a gentleman involved with the theatre program in one of our local high schools. For the sake of his privacy, I will call him Mr. B. (After all, B can stand for many things; for example B could stand for Bitch or maybe Butthole. It would fill my heart with petty joy to imagine you beautiful blog-reading darlings calling this guy Mr. Butthole, but I’ll stick to Mr. B for short.) The two of them were very close, close enough that he actually invited us to his wedding. A few weeks after our dramatic parting, I contacted via Facebook message him inquiring about a possible performance we had discussed putting together. I had assumed that this adult man old enough to be my father would be mature enough to handle a break up he wasn’t even a part of. He quickly showed me how wrong I was; W-O-R-N-G, wrong!

SC: Hey, Mr. B. I hope your honeymoon was fun. I was hoping we could talk a little more about the possibility of bringing the high schools together for that show when you have time. Thanks. :)

Mr. B: You’ve got a lot of nerve messaging me.

*silence*

Mr. B: If you think I’d ever work with you after what you did to Ex-Girlfriend, you’re even dumber than you look!

SC: I’m sorry if I’ve put you in an uncomfortable situation by breaking up with Ex-Girlfriend, Mr. B, but there are two sides to everything…It wasn’t working between us. We’re only in high school. I don’t really think it’s a big enough deal to not pursue uniting the local students in a production.

Mr. B: Fuck you, you stupid bitch! I’ll never let you be in any theatre production of mine!

SC: Okay, bye.

Mr. B: And just so you know, Ex-Girlfriend and I have discussed it and we decided if you were in Harry Potter, you would be Lord Voldemort because you’re so evil!

                *As a huge Harry Potter fan and a Hufflepuff, I was honestly horribly offended.*

SC: What the hell, B? Are you not an adult teacher old enough to be my father? Grow up!

SC: AND FOR THE RECORD, I AM A HUFFLEPUFF!

Mr. B: You wish you were a Hufflepuff! They’re honest and you’re a filthy liar! You swore you’d love her forever! *I was sixteen and she was fourteen.* You broke her heart! You’re Lord Voldemort, and we decided I am Professor Dumbledore and Ex-Girlfriend is Harry Potter so fuck you! We will vanquish your evil!

SC: As IF you could ever even aspire to be anything like Professor Dumbledore! You’re being super immature right now, B! Are you kidding me?

Mr. B: WHATEVER, VOLDEMORT. I DON’T BELIEVE IN YOUR EVIL WAYS.

SC: Fuck you, B. I’m Ginny Weasley. I’m ALWAYS Ginny Weasley!

                That’s about the time I blocked Mr. B(utthole). I have to confess, I have scarcely ever been so insulted in my entire life (in the moment anyway). After unloading my frustration onto a couple of good friends, I was able to find the humor in it. For seven years after, I used the screen name Voldemort and always ordered take-out under the name Voldemort. (For the record, I’m definitely not Voldemort, but it gave me a laugh. Every once in a while a funny person would get the joke. Usually at Starbucks.) Thanks for being so childish, Mr. B! You filled my life with petty humor. I hope you get a box of Bernie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans with NOTHING but vomit flavour inside!

(I feel like adding the lack of nose just makes me look like Voldemort and Squidward had a really surprisingly eccentric baby.)